1. A New Jersey man who was released last week after fifteen years in prison for robbing a shoe store was arrested the next day for robbing the exact same store. But, in the man’s defense, the sign outside the store did say “pay-less.”
2. Chinese police discovered that a female prostitute who escaped them by running up a tree was actually a man. They made this discovery when they noticed that two of the tree’s acorns looked “a little weird.”
3. On Wednesday, President Obama met with Pope Francis at the Vatican. As a gift symbolic of their burgeoning relationship the President gave the Pope a bag of seeds, adding, “You’re gonna need these once I ruin the world’s economy.”
4. On Thursday, Jordan Linn Graham, the newlywed who pushed her husband off a cliff just days after their marriage, was sentenced to 30 years in prison. Said the judge, “30 years in jail should give you a pretty good approximation of what it would have felt like to be married.”
5. A congressional candidate in Alabama is talking aim at Obamacare in a campaign ad in which he fires rounds from several weapons into a paper copy of the healthcare reform law. Or, as it is known in Alabama, reading.
6. A colon cancer screening method that analyzes DNA from stool samples won the backing of a U.S. advisory panel on Thursday. Said one doctor, “Well you don’t have colon cancer, but you may want to consider cutting back on your corn intake.”
7. According to a new study, people who live the farthest from liver transplant centers may be less likely to get on a waiting list, and ultimately to get a liver, than those who live closer. “Looks like I’m moving,” said David Hasselhoff.
8. Yesterday, on the Upper East Side of Manhattan, an ATM machine opened up that only dispenses cupcakes. Or, as Chris Christie refers to them, currency.
9. Peter McGraith and David Cabreza are set to marry at the stroke of midnight tonight in London, becoming Britain’s first same-sex married couple. The two plan to celebrate by smoking a couple of fags and then, afterwards, they’ll probably have a cigarette.
10. Katie Francis, an Oklahoma City girl scout, broke a 30-year-old record by selling 18,107 boxes of cookies. Katie credits her accomplishment to her dad’s new job in the New Jersey Governor’s Office.
11. A New Jersey public work’s inspector admitted to stealing $460,000 in coins from parking meters. “Get your cup ready, the motherload has come in,” said one homeless guy to another.
12. Yesterday North Korea enacted a new law under which all North Korean men must sport the same haircut as their Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un. Well, now I understand why those 11,721,838 men have the same terrible haircut, but that still doesn’t explain why Kim Jong-Un chooses to wear it.
13. Last night, Joan Rivers appeared on “the Tonight Show” ending her 25-year ban. Actually the ban is still in place but she was able to sneak in because security had a picture of her from five years ago.
14. During yesterday’s Toronto mayoral debate, current Mayor Rob Ford was called “an international embarrassment.” Said Ford, “International embarrassment? Justin Bieber. Nickelback. Celine Dion. That’s our main export.”
15. Astronomers have nicknamed 2012 VP113, the newly discovered tiny planet that lies beyond Pluto, Biden after our current Vice President. Said Biden, “Hey, that means I’m close to Uranus.” Then he laughed for like 20 minutes straight.
16. Swarthmore College is offering a course entitled “the Sociology of Miley Cyrus.” That story again, Swarthmore College is offering sex ed.
